Beef Conspiracy

Please give us a short introduction of yourself?
Beef Finder McGeneral:- Good monsignor. We are Beef Conspiracy and we are glad to be touching you today.
Chuffy McFlannelslap:- We're pretty much a dirty little gore-grind band, kind of like a cross between Carcass and Cephalic Carnage.
Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- We’ve just released our blast-tastic debut cd, “Hung, Drawn & Quarter-poundered”, on Grindethic Records.

Beef Conspiracy, huh? Are you vegetarian? Or are you Hamburger addicts?
Beef Finder McGeneral:- I love beef.

Jamboree McBigFun:- None of us are vegetarians. Coming from the cuntryside, we’ve developed a clever technique of cow tipping directly onto purpose built oversized portable barbeques!

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- I'd say we definitely fall on the Hamburger addicts side. Although I'm more of a steak and eggs man myself. A lot of people seem to think we're vegetarian but we're heavily pro-meat. If there's an animal that wants eating, we're the men for the job.

Carlos McPablo:- Burgers all the way! But don't forget other meaty delights such as meat pies, steak, ribs, chops, various other types of burgers, dog food. The list is endless!

If you are not a vegetarian or McDonalds lover the word Beef can also refer to being a cowaphiliac? Right?
Chuffy McFlannelslap:- Yeah I don't see why not. Can't say I've ever fancied fucking a cow though but if the cow consents and its done within a loving and committed relationship I'm sure it could be a beautiful thing!

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- By “cow” I assume you mean ‘large shampoo bottle’ and by “philiac” I assume you mean ’sticking it up your arse’!

Carlos McPablo:- Indeed, there's nothing wrong with lovin' a cow. Actually that's probably where the babies with udders came from, which you can find inside the sleeve of our latest release. Its like "Where’s Wally?"

Jamboree McBigFun:- Its all about slabs of meaty grind!

Humour is a great part in the band. Why is that? Do you miss humour in most bands?
Beef Finder McGeneral:- Most bands take themselves too seriously. We love the fun, big-time.

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- I think because we're all good mates we all share the same sense of humour so it's inevitable that it comes out in our imagery and lyrics. We try to keep the music clear of 'funny' elements. We've tried it in the past and it sounds wank.

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- I’m the serious one (‘Grumpy Beef‘) so I hate too much humour in bands. If a band’s really stupid it puts me off but then I crack open a beer and everything changes!

Carlos McPablo:- If you can laugh at the idea of liquid meat being squirted into a steak shaped cake tin or the complete dispair brought on by not washing your cock enough, then I guess you can laugh at anything. Even the thought of a man called Clifford Cloughford wearing green furry trousers.

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- And space sandals!

Describe your feeling about humour? When do you get tears of laughter? Ever tried to be a stand up?
Chuffy McFlannelslap:- I like cartoons, stuff like Family Guy, Ren and Stimpy, The Simpsons, Dextors Lab. As long as it's surreal and stupid I'll generally watch it. Gore is always good for laughing at too! Nothing like the misfortune of others! We used to make a lot of weird little films and stuff when we were younger. Maybe if we do a DVD we'll put some of em on there.

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- I tried standing up once but I just fell over again so I’ve spend the rest of my life on my knees (begging for dinner). My favourite comedy is a British series called ‘Jam’. Its the most dark, surreal and offensive stuff ever to be shown on TV. Its like the death metal of comedy!

Carlos McPablo:- I could imagine Chuffy doing stand up, and Jamboree presenting children's TV

What made you to play this kind of musick? Is it the most extreme what you did so far?
Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- We’ve always tried to be as fast as possible but our music’s getting more and more technical as well. If you compare the oldest track on the cd, ‘Nothing Says I Love You Like A Chainsaw Injury To The Head’ where there‘s only 3 riffs, to the newest, ‘Jam or Butter Not Both’, you can see the change. The new stuff we’re writing now has a lot more complexity to the arrangements and the playing.

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- I just like playing music that surprises people a bit. When we finish a song knowing we've made it as fast and extreme as possible it feel pretty good to know we're not just another plodding death metal band. I think our music gets more extreme with every song we do. Not sure how much further we can push it, we'll just have to keep trying new things and see where we end up.

Do you think this kind of metal can go more extreme? Where will we listen to in 3 years?
Jamboree McBigFun:- Where will we listen indeed!

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Its hard to imagine really. There’s only so fast a human drummer can go or how low someone can grunt without vocal effects. I guess the main thing that will change is the production undergrounds bands can achieve will get better and better as technology becomes more affordable.

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- I don't know how much more extreme music can get, but then again I guess the limits can always be pushed.

Carlos McPablo:- Maybe someone will record a sample of period blood running out of a cunt and tweak the sound a bit and somehow fit it into their song.

Describe the influence Carcass had on the scene?
Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Carcass are one of the few bands that you can say genuinely came up with something original. Musically I guess they were continuing what early bands like Napalm Death had started but they gave it a new level of sophistication and a death metal edge. Its the medical/gore imagery and lyrics where they’ve made the biggest impression though. We were all about 6 or 7 when Reek Of Putrefaction came out so I can’t imagine what it must have been like to hear it for the first time when it was completely fresh.

Jamboree McBigFun:- Goregoretwistydoublebassgoregore!

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- Carcass had a massive impact on the scene, so many bands, including us, owe a lot to their sound, it's a pity they sold out but there's lot's of bands continuing what they started.

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- I don’t think there’s any other band (maybe Suffo) who have had so many others just copy them exactly. I swear all the bands like County Medical Examiners just play Carcass riffs backwards!

If people go to a gig what can they expect? Will they regret it?
Beef Finder McGeneral:- They need to watch their face - they might lose it!

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- If people come to one of our shows they should probably expect us to fuck all of our songs up but try and make for it by giving away prizes. We use the samples from the CD when we play live which always seems to go down well.

Carlos McPablo:- Disco dancing and competitions!

Jamboree McBigFun:- We’re the ‘Kinder Surprise’ of metal. You get a tasty bit of grind and a prize. What more could you want?

What is the most remarkable thing happened at a gig? Caught it on tape?
Carlos McPablo:- We get the songs right!

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- At our first gig the drummer from Gorerotted accidentally dropped the top half of a clothes mannequin on our vocalists wife's head. I don't think we got it on tape though.

Jam or butter. What kind of a questions is that? Can't you use just lubricant?
Beef Finder McGeneral:- In the goode olde dayes people couldn't afford to have both butter and jam so it was an important decision. If you asked for both you'd get a good slap.

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Lubricant on toast doesn’t taste as good although it does slide right down.

Jamboree McBigFun:- It’s a simple question of determination and the fight against obesity

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- The song title doesn't really mean a thing, it was a random choice, we like to mix it up monster style!

What kind of movies are watched before writing new songs?
Beef Finder McGeneral:- Problem Child 3 - Junior in Love

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- Toy Story, All Dogs Go To Heaven, Mac and Me, ET, Flubber, all that sick shit.

Jamboree McBigFun:- Barney's sing along, to get me really frustrated.

Describe in 4 words how songs are written?
Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Open beer, drinky drinky!

Beef Finder McGeneral:- Bish, Bash, Bosh, Bingo!

Jamboree McBigFun:- Riffs, blasts, redo, redo!

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Four with, four without!

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- At a slow pace!

Wouldn't your fast parts sound better with a drum computer? Don't you feel sorry for the drummer when he is working his ass off?
Jamboree McBigFun:- No, he loves to get sweaty!

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Its cool using a drum machine because there’s no limitations but you can never quite recreate the energy (and smell) of a real drummer blasting the shit out of a drum kit.

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- We don't make him play that fast, he does it of his own accord. We have problems trying to slow him down coz we find it a bit difficult to keep up sometimes.

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- The only thing I feel when I’m watching the Beef Finder’s arse is pure animal lust!

Carlos McPablo:- He loves it.

What is the lousiest part of being in a band? And do you have own roadies, own drivers and own cooks?
Carlos McPablo:- Taking my slippers off

Beef Finder McGeneral:- The lousiest bit is the groupies - they all have beards and deep voices.

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- The crappest part is having to shag hundreds of girls after every gig, our nobs get very sore. We each have an entourage of 20 people, ranging from hair stylists, chefs, fart sniffers, food tasters, snipers and shoe shines. Our drummer has his own midget for passing him drumsticks on stage! We pay him in growth hormone drugs.

Do you have a tip for bands that want to sound like Beef Conspiracy?
Jamboree McBigFun:- Don't practise very often, get a fast drummer, grow a beard.

Beef Finder McGeneral:- Eat maximum Slovak meats

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- If you ever aspire to be like us in any way there is something very wrong with you. And if you ever try to copy our sound we'll sue you.

Carlos McPablo:- Don't trust a friendly stranger!

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Put it down, you don’t know where its been!

What can we expect in the future? Any goals you wanna reach?
Carlos McPablo:- Chrome and more automatic doors.

Beef Finder McGeneral:- You can expect Spandex, Big Hair, home porn movies and burger franchises

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- We're currently writing for our next album which we'll hopefully be releasing next year some time. In the mean time we'll be heading back out to Europe and doing plenty of gigs around the U.K.

Jamboree McBigFun:- Faster, more technical, more albums.

Last rites?
Beef Finder McGeneral:- Keep it Beef.

Chuffy McFlannelslap:- Buy our CD! Only £4.99 from www.grindethic.co.uk

Dirty Bertie McSkeletor:- Keep it brutal as a wicked sick bugger boy! Pump!
Band:
Interviewer: twansibon
Feb 26, 2008
Next interview: Avulsed interview

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