The non musicians of Chainsaw Penis
Unaware of who Chainsaw Penis are? If so Have you been living in a cave? Well fear not because I was lucky enough to catch up with four of the members to casually chat shit about the world's current status on Deftones, Bring Me The Horizon, top releases of the year, Christmas presents, appearing in Terrorizer magazine, Nicolas Cage, and of course 2012's arse bruising album 'Fifty Shades Of Shit'; the number one album by none other than Chainsaw Penis themselves, It's all here, so get yourself a beverage and have a peep at this...
Hey Chainsaw Penis! Before I start raging on with nonsense, I'll ask a few of the more serious questions...but before that please tell me who I am speaking with and what you do in the band.
Francis: Francis Power - 'vocals', ocarina
Jonathan: I am Jon, I "play bass" and write a lot of the shitty songs you hear on our EP/in our live "shows"
Laurie: I'm Laurie - I abuse a drumkit, write garbage lyrics (mostly on our 'issues' songs) and steal breakables from other bands at every gig we play. Steal as in 'borrow'.
Jonathan: *Filling in for Liam whilst he is late for the interview* I'm Liam, I'm a Brummie cretin who can't play guitar. And is ginger and likes the X Factor
I think the question everybody is asking; What's with the band name? Who came up with it and WHY?!
Jonathan: That would be me, basically I asked two friends to give me a word each, those words were "Chainsaw" and "Penis". I asked them this as I was making a tumblr blog entry and wanted an amusing title. Frank saw this, and together we decided to start a shit grind band called Chainsaw Penis.
Laurie: Both of them were horrifically drunk at Download I believe. It was an alcohol-fuelled, bloody birth.
Jonathan: WRONG, It was Hammerfest 11
Francis: Aye, the idea of Chainsaw Penis dates back to October 2010; we completed the lineup in March 2011 with Liam and Laurie.
'Fifty Shades Of Shit' was released this year for free download (thank you), how have you been promoting the album since its release?
Jonathan: We've been drunkenly handing copies out at festivals (Damnation) to random passers-by and massive magazines (Terrorizer). Not to drop any names or anything. We've also played Infernal Rising festival in Birmingham (our first ever gig..... which I missed), and we also played a gig in York a few weeks back. As well as this, we've just been pissing about on our facebook page, promoting the album through there.
Laurie: Also our own profiles and free promo through reviews from folks like you etc.
Jonathan: We were also added to the Metal Archives, and attracted a whopping two reviews of 50 Shades...
Laurie: Mostly an internet phenomenon.
Francis: Word of mouth, basically. Friends, friends of friends, friends in bands; and scrawling crude chainsaw penis in marker pen on CDs and handing them out at gigs and festivals we all go to. Most notably, Jon handed the album direct to Miranda Yardley from Terrorizer and got us in this month's edition. We owe the internet a debt too; which when you consider we're basically four internet trolls given instruments and a lot of booze, seems perversely appropriate.
Laurie: Throwing CDs at people as they run away screaming hahaha.
Jonathan: Aye, pretty much.
What are your major influences?
Jonathan: Everything shit.
Laurie: Being shit.
Francis: Tommy Wiseau, Nicolas Cage...
Laurie: Anal Cunt obviously. Like a crap, lazy, (mostly) northern Anal Cunt. Our influences aren't just limited to music though, like Fran says.
Francis: My gateway drug into extreme music was Carcass, though we're into all sorts. Hesitant to namedrop too many bands though in case they feel responsible for us...
It's nearly Christmas! What's the most bizzare present you've ever been given, or bought someone? I'd love to give somebody a Chainsaw Penis CD for crimbo, my Nan would love that shit.
Laurie: I hope your nan's deaf mate, for her sake.
Jonathan: The most bizarre present I've ever given someone was a Chainsaw Penis CD, some guy (probably retarded or something) wanted a Chainsaw Penis CD in a jewel case, but we had none so I had to draw some cover art with CD markers. It looked like a three year old had drawn it. He seemed happy though.
Francis: Most bizarre Xmas present? Last year my little bro got me a 1ft tall stone gargoyle. Still can't decide whether he's called Greg or Garth. Instant metulz for your bland room though; I love him.
Laurie: I once bought Fran a dragon goblet for mead. Oh - and I got given a small plastic reindeer which shat chocolate raisins when you pressed it's head by an ex-girlfriend.
Liam: *Just arrives* I once gave one of my mates some lube for Christmas. Just the lube.
Jonathan: Oh fuck, who let this bellend in?
Laurie: Fucking hell better late than never, eh.
Jonathan: We're in the middle of an interview you cretinous Brummie ginger cunt.
Other than '50 Shades Of Shit' of course - what's been your favourite album/s of 2012?
Jonathan: Fuck, where do I start.... Alcest - Les Voyages de l'Âme is probably my number 1, but there have been so many great releases this year. Black Breath, Spawn of Possession, Hour of Penance, Sylosis, Testament, Goatwhore, Overkill, Chainsaw Penis, Cannibal Corpse, Nekromantheon, Chainsaw Penis, etc. Actually fuck that shit, 50 Shades of Shit was the only good thing to come out this year.
Laurie: Yeah - again, I'm spoilt for choice really - my tastes are pretty wide reaching musically - and I tend to fixate on certain tracks rather than albums. For metal it was hands down Eluveitie's 'Helvetios'. They haven't done a bad album as far as I'm concerned, and every album they've done has improved on the last one - a rare thing in music.
Francis: Eluveitie - Helvetios; Ex Deo - Caligvla; Kreator - Phantom Antichrist; Ihsahn - The Paranoid; Napalm Death - Utilitarian; Winterfylleth - The Threnody of Triumph
Jonathan: Liam's gonna say some X Factor reject's latest album or some shit
Laurie: Jon says it so I don't have to.
Liam: In ascending order, the new albums by
Apologies, I Have None
Carly Rae Jepsen
Francis: Liam really is a dreadful human being, Max, even by Chainsaw Penis standards.
Jonathan: So you can tell who the odd one out in this band is
Franics: Deftones' new one is a fair shout actually, although it can't touch Diamond Eyes
Liam: Oh and Jack White
Jonathan: More like Jack Shite!
Laurie: Dear pot, you are black, signed - your friend the kettle We're all dicks in our own ways.
Liam: What you did there, I see it.
Diamond Eyes and White Pony are the best Deftones albums, but new one is pretty ace too!
Okay, so next question...McDonalds or KFC?
Jonathan: dat's nut metulz
Who said anything about metal?
Jonathan: KFC does approximately fuck all food that I can eat, McDonalds at least has some sort of fairly crap veggie sandwich. So, Domino's Pizza.
Laurie: KFC. Gotta love me some genetically modified, headless, featherless chicken that died in abject pain. Only giving this answer because there were only two options though. I'd prefer an Indian generally. Though maybe not a whole one.
Jonathan: Being a member of the world's premier technical progressive blackened transcendental shitdeathgrindcorecore ocarina band makes you very hungry, and I find that a nice slab of Domino's pizza gives me the energy I require to bash out some truly horrendous music. Domino's pizza - the best a shit band can get. Give me money nao pls dominos pls.
Francis: KFC for me. You don't eat either for ethical or health reasons, and only one of the two does Zinger Towers.
Liam: KFC. That new Gladiator Box meal they do is incredible. Zinger tower burger, two pieces of chicken, chips, gravy, drink. It's what I live on. KFC 4 lyf
Jonathan: Liam instagrams his KFC. He's a fucking twat.
Psy - Gangham Style, or Britney Spears - Toxic?
Jonathan: OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE!
Only one of those two songs has a Chainsaw Penis parody, and it ain't Toxic.
Laurie: OPPAN GANGNASH STYLE! Fran did an E-card on jibjab with Liam's face on the song =')
On a scale of 0-10, how excited are you for the new Bring Me The Horizon album? You know you loveeee it
I'd rather staple my ballsack to the ceiling than listen to BMTH.
Liam: 9/10, BMTH are ace!
Laurie: Bring me the Horizon - might be good inspiration so erm - 10.
HAHAHA - personally -7
This could be CP song title.
Francis: I honestly couldn't tell you; I don't listen to them. Also, Jon wouldn't have to reach very high to staple his ballsack to the ceiling
Jonathan: I'm a midget but I have a massive ballsack.
Laurie: Nah - the thing is John's ballsack isn't proportional.
HAVE A NORMAL NAME!
Liam: Jonathan ballsack is the stretchiest thing known to man. He can wrap it around himself three times over.
Jonathan: Who the fuck is John?
Jonathan:Who the fuck is Jonathan Ballsack
Laurie: Co-founder of Chainsaw Penis?
Liam: Your name is now Jonathan Ballsack
Jonathan: I'm gonna change my surname in the new year. That is now the front runner.
Francis: Weren't we answering interview questions a little while back or something?
Jonathan: Anyway, NEXT QUESTION
Laurie: For fuck's sake - I'm actually in tears of laughter here. Can we have the last question please Max?
Would you consider yourselves to be abusive lovers, or are you all really nice guys who simply desire peace within humanity and love all things?
Francis: We leave the actual woman beating to Marlon King, Birmingham City STRIKER (lulz). Within this band we have an ethos of 'equal opportunity offending or fuck off'
Liam: Fucksake I knew you'd shoehorn Marlon into this
Jonathan: We believe that Chainsaw Penis will eventually unite the nations, bring peace to earth and teach every person on earth to love and care for one another, no matter what race, ethnicity, colour or creed you happen to be.
HAHA ONLY JOKING WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF CUNTS WHO CAN'T PLAY INSTRUMENTS
Liam: Jon's an abusive lover. He doesn't even cuddle afterwards. All i want is to feel loved
Jonathan: I don't cuddle rapists
Laurie: That's a difficult question. Depends on my mood. I have a desire to treat women, people and the universe well in the main. But I'm also a massive sexual deviant and I quite enjoy causing pain to my partner if she wants it. Chainsaw Penis is a massive part of me not going on a shotgun rampage over all the little things in life which drive me absolutely berserk. This is my fault for being a horrific, malcontent prick of course. Like Fran once said - Chainsaw Penis is what happens if you put four internet trolls in a room together, give them intruments they can't play and feed them alcohol.
Thanks for your time during this interview guys, I look forward to anything the future may hold from Chainsaw Penis! Have a smashing christmas and near year, all the best from Brutalism!
Jonathan: Cheers. ALL HAIL THE MIGHT METALLIC WANG!
*mighty, fuck sake
Liam: Cheers Max, have a good one. KEEP CALM AND CHAINSAW YOUR PENIS!